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Longing

I didn’t ask for Prince Charming
Didn’t want the Knight in shining armor
To come sweeping down off his horse to rescue me

Wasn’t taking a bite of nobody’s apple
talking to a mirror for validation of my beauty
trying to get dwarves to “pay my bills..pay my telephone bill…pay my automobile….then maybe we could chill…”

my longing was for something realer, deeper…
simpler…
Sunday morning bagels, after Saturday night spooning
Matching BMW’s in the driveway
Real vacations that were spur of the moment, and didn’t involve a payment plan…

I wanted a man
A man with vision, with goals
With a destiny

Bring me a man to match my mountains
A man with clarity of purpose
One that cold hold his own

‘cause I’d already proven that I could hold mine, and then some…
hell, I could be the Mama and the Daddy
why couldn’t I be the wife?

I never had fantasies about baking pies, and cooking hot meals
For some brother to drop his briefcase at the doorstep
While asking me to bring him his slippers

I just wanted one that wouldn’t hit me for not bringing him his beer while it was still cold

I never imagined that that longing
That dream
Would become a hardened lump of coal in my throat

I never imagined that that lump would be my heart

© 2003 - saga

rant.

why do i only blog when i'm unhappy? i suppose, misery loves company, eh? ah well, on to the rant...

can i get some service? any service. a lil service, not a lot. not the going out of your way winning-type service, just some ordinary bottom-line, doing-what-you-said-you-were-going-to-do service?

i took my son to his neurologist today. this is my second attempt at this visit, the first ending in frustration because his referral expired, the nurse never notified me when it expired, so when i showed up for an appointment he could not be seen.

so, my second attempt: upon arrival, i'm checked in by unfriendly medical assistant#1. she processes my insurance, and passes me on to unfriendly medical assistant#2, who forces my scared-of-anything-in-scrubs son to get his weight and blood pressure. now he's no longer feeling the whole visit, and her bedside manner is worsening the situation. so, then we meet unfriendly nurse practitioner, who apparently missed her morning coffee. she barrages me with questions while my son fidgets, bored. then, suddenly she becomes animated, attempting to engage my son - to try & gauge his behavior. my son sees through the ruse. at this point, my son is ready to leave & uncooperative. then, unfriendly medical assistant #1 returns to inform me that my referral from my doctor was written incorrectly, so i'll need to pay $250 out of pocket for this visit. WTF!

so i now am on phone with unfriendly PCP (primary care physician's) office manager, who informs me that in the 7 days since i requested the referral she 'hasn't had time' to put said referral in 'the system' to correctly fill it out. she faxed the incorrectly completed referral regardless, and if we're willing to wait, oh about 10 minutes, she'll fix it. fine. meanwhile unfriendly nurse practitioner continues to aggravate my now bored-hungry-wet child.

10 minutes later: still no corrected referral. unfriendly medical assistant#1 is willing to wait, but unfriendly nurse practitioner says i need to give up my room. my bored-hungry-wet son & i wait in the after-appointment reception area.

10 more minutes later: still no corrected referral. i move from the after-appointment reception area to the pre-appointment reception area - which has a tv for the bored-hungry-wet child to watch Sesame Street. unfriendly medical assistant#3 tells me not to leave, because i still need to wait for the referral form to be faxed. did i look like i was making a run to the border or something?

10 more minutes later: still no corrected referral. i'm on the phone with unfriendly PCP office manager, who again says 10 more minutes. unfriendly medical assistants #1, #2 and #3 are shooting me dirty looks, and suggesting i just 'leave them a check' that they'll 'tear up' as soon as unfriendly PCP office manager faxes the corrected referral form. yeah, right - like i believe that. my bored-hungry-wet-aggravated child & i will wait. meanwhile, my other patient-helpful child offers to take my son to wait in the car. bless her - she is a savior.

an additional 10 minutes later: unfriendly PCP office manager calls unfriendly medical assistant#3 and says she's faxing the form. unfriendly medical assistant#3 lets me know. thanx - whatever.

an additional 10 minutes later: unfriendly medical assistant#3 says she has what she needs, and i'm free to go. great - thanx for all your help.

why i am still pissed 8 hours later: because i was at a facility for Child Neurology - most of the kids here are probably outside norms. because these unfriendly caregivers for these special needs children weren't giving any care. because these unfriendly caregivers were also aggravated because my bored-hungry-wet child was acting up - hence the dirty looks. because this is typical. because i'll probably encounter the same thing again. because all these unfriendly caregivers - down to the nurse, medical assistants, office managers, etc were all african-american and so am i. because i expect my people to treat me better than that. and because i know if i went back tomorrow, or the next day or the next - they won't.

ok, i have to go - i have nasty letters to write to my PCP, insurance company, hospital administrators, et al. i know that once the shyt hits the fan, i may not be able to even walk into these facilities without drama. i hope, however, that my efforts may make this easier for the next person.

it's over!!!!

yeah..yeah..yeah!!!! semester's over, finally and i am ecstatic

I got an A in Risk Management (knew this), Global Business (knew that), and Introduction to Corporate Finance - which was a complete, utter and pleasant surprise. Heck, I may take another Finance class after that shocker.

As for summer school, not likely. I'm not up to it - between school, work, my fibroids, everyday stress, etc - I need a break. I need 10 classes to graduate, and I just don't have it in me to take any classes. I need a vacation.

Meanwhile, I'm happy - which means I probably won't be blogging for a sec. So, I leave with this...

I'm going to finally create my webpage - to include this blog, amongst other pages. Stay tuned

~ edited to add:: i got 3 A's and 1 B...I ROCK!!! ~

spring cleaning.

letting things go:: finally decided to cut SG off. This has been a long time coming, although I kept thinking if I let him know, then maybe, just maybe it wouldn't happen. a recap: SG is a former co-worker and friend of mine. But he's a bit of an "opportunist". I knew this when I met him, but knowing the type of person I am - I can see thru shallow and won't let folks take advantage of me (silly me). Well the infractions started piling up: calling me at 3 am for a Dr's excuse for work, so he wouldn't get fired; borrowing $ and not paying back until he got good & ready (although he promised repeatedly to pay it back); telling me he wanted to go to a concert with me, I buy tickets, then he cancels at the last minute (no time for me to sell tickets); putting myself out at work trying to find him a gig in his field, by finagling an intro to a high-level exec within my Fortune 100, then finding out he's unqualified for the position (didn't see this until he finally sent me a resume - which shows no previous experience); telling me about his personal probs, yet being unavail when I need a shoulder; you get the idea.

I'd addressed this to him not long ago - told him while he thought I was his best friend - he's definitely not mine: the one-way street relationship - I give to him & get nothing in return. SO, when I got home from surgery, he promised to bring me a plate of food ('cause no way was I cooking). He sent me an email to reschedule once - then I never heard from him. NO phone calls about the no-show, NO phone calls to check & see how I'm doing - NADA! Needless to say I was done.

Well, SG lost his gig - and needed me to send him HIS resume (again, I had it 'cause I was trying to help him get that new gig a while ago - and I ended up revising it 'cause it was tooooo long. I re-sent it to him & I don't know what he did with it....). SO he starts calling me & leaving messages: "I know you're mad at me, but I really need a favor..." Ok, if you haven't done anything wrong, why would I be mad? So basically, he knew he was trifling, but wasn't even caring? I called him back & told him I have it, I ain't looking for it, because basically I'm done - and here's why... SG told me he was in the middle of something and needed to get back to me - haven't heard from him since.

school:: I'm taking the sumnmer off. With the new assignment at the gig, the courseload I've previously carried, the kids, et al...I'm burned out. I scheduled my 2 weeks of vacation - August & December. This time I’m definitely traveling somewhere!!! Even if I just drive to the nearest beach, I'm laying on my back for at least 3-5 days. I deserve it. I finally got my associate's degree. My somewhat ghetto community college finally caught up with their paperwork - so after multitudinous phone calls - they came up off this as of December 2002. My diploma's in the mail (where have I heard THAT before). Now, only 10 more classes for the bachelor's - aaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

ok, new feature: I come across the weirdest stuff - and I must record it for posterity, hence...

ghetto item of the week:: wheelchair with gold rims
I kid you not - this kid was thugged out when ambulatory - now he's still thugged out. I wish I had my digital camera - 'cause no one believes me...hm....that's an idea =)

mutiny of the body.

ok..ok...ok. really, when I think about it - the way i treat my body, it should've gone on strike a looonnnnngggg time ago. But the title is cute....lol

so anyway, called my Dr, and he says I'm ok - as long as there's no fever, excessive (more than a pad per hour) bleeding, dizziness or nausea. Upped the amount of over-the-counter pain meds I can take (he said 4 Advil/Motrin - who am I to argue =)

So, Day Two back to work - and the bleeding really starts. I'm going through one super long, 4 channel with wings super maxi pad every hour. Literally. And I'm thinking if I begin to bleed even one ounce more per hour - I'm going to need Depends. In a meeting with my boss for 30 minutes - shyt! Listening to him talk, knowing I can't leave - I bleed thru the pad, panties, pantyhose and pants into the $1200 ergonomic designer chair -which fortunately is black mesh so it isn't obvious. I wrap up the meeting, run to the bathroom, handle biz & manage to go back to clean the chair before anyone notices. This sucks.

I feel as if my body is no longer my own - like my life is now controlled by my body's mood swings, willingness to allow me to live, disconnected in a weird way. I'm having an out-of-body experience - like I've slipped out of it & am hovering over it, watching this whole thing play out beneath me.

As I sit & type, I'm wearing what appears to be a wrestling champinship belt - but it consists of pain...around my pelvis, past my side and widening across my lower back. I took 3 Advil 30 minutes ago - they have yet to kick in. Meanwhile, I wait for the next wave of blood, pain, and then relief & normalcy - like a tide. In, out, in out - it comes & goes...

I am SO going to restart taking my birth control pills again this week.

ode to the fibroids.

first, can I just say that since I was diagnosed, I feel like: life, interrupted. There was my life before the diagnosis, then after - both of whom have little to do with one another.

WARNING: This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be graphic. It may be gross. Read at your own risk.

Anyway, I'm a week out from the surgery. I feel pregnant - real pregnant. About 6-8 months pregnant. For those of you who have never been so blessed, this is the part of the pregnancy where all the good stuff happens - bloating, constipation, loss of bladder control, weakness, etc. I wake up at least 2X per night, having to pee, 'cause I can't hold it. My tummy (stomach, uterus, bladder - it's all 1 big blob now) feels like it literally weighs about 15 lbs heavier than before the surgery. I'm also very bloated - it looks like I gained 10 lbs. It hurts sometimes to hold my stomach in. I have to move my bowels every morning like clockwork, and its painful - my stomach hurts, and my anus hurts. Also, I bleed everytime I have a bowel movement - so basically every morning. I bleed from my vagina and my anus. This in excess of the bleeding from the surgery. Actually, now that I think of it, I bleed more when my bladder is full as well.

So, I'm still a little scared. I should've asked more questions about recovery (if that's what this is). I have a strong suspicion that this is the beginning of a bumpy road.

a walk.

The time changed, so I was up an hour early for no apparent reason. My son & I took a walk around my apartment complex, to the rental office, and to my mailbox. I realized a few things:

• the air smells beautiful before 7am (now 8am)


• I never walk anywhere


• my son and I need to bond doing things HE likes to do - like walking


• I need to lose between 110 - 150 lbs

Ok, so I guess the solution to all of the above (including my getting some fresh air) is obvious. Although my schedule isn't. Can my son & I get up every morning before his 7AM bus stop call & walk for at least 20 minutes? He has the energy - and I have a need...

OK, let me be honest - after a 7:15 - 9:45PM class I'm making excuses in the AM. I can't even lie. But since I've noticed that this is normally due to my 10:15PM after-class dinner, I also know this has more to do with my lethargic digestion than an actual physical tiredness.

All I can do is try - and take one baby step at a time.

the pre-surgery drama. the surgery. the aftermath.

the drama:: JC promised me he would be there with me through my surgery on 04/01/03. JC called me Monday 03/31/03, voice 2 octaves higher than normal, voice cracking, congested, coughing "I feel horrible, I'm coughing up blood, I'm sweating..I don't know what's wrong...but I'm trying to get myself together to take you to the hospital tomorrow..." then began hacking once again. Yes, quite honestly, I was PISSED TO THE HIGHEST SENSE OF PISSITIVITY. Okay, now that I got that out - I never ask him to do things for me. He's got a lot going on, I'm trying to be understanding about this, but still. I have a limit. Anyway, I never tell him I'm pissed - I just fuss at him for not taking care of himself, tell him I'll make other arrangements to get to my surgery, and tell him to get his a$$ to the Dr. I spend the rest of the day, going through my phonebook trying to find someone to take me. Kay can't go, her son's been ill - if she takes off anymore time from work - I don't want that on my head. Sadat has interviews lined up - he can take me, but then he needs to take my car solo(his license is suspended) which is a no-no. Jon's not answering his cellphone - as usual. Gil, well - Gil's status has changed from friend to associate - which is the subject of another blog. He's undependable. I was frustrated to the point of tears. I called the babydaddy against my best judgement - and of course, he''ll do it - secretly I still think he's pining...which is such a waste.... Meanwhile, I'm in tears - nobody cares, it's the night before my surgery, I'm alone and I feel horrible. I allowed myself a pre-surgical pity party.

the surgery:: get to the hospital at 5:30 am, pretty uneventfully - the babydaddy's on his best supportive behavior. By 6:15, I'm laying on a stretcher, in a hospital gown, high on a 'relaxer' that the nurse described as 'similar to valium'. It was pretty good . At 7AM, they roll me into the Operating Room, get me situated on this narrow operating table, cover me with warm blankets - NOTE: WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS HELL, AND IN A COLD OR ---> WARM BLANKETS ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING, INCLUDING SEX!!!!!. Ok, back to my story - they give me oxygen & the anesthesiologist makes a joke about me going to sleep - nexy thing I know it's 10AM, I'm in recovery and its over. I can't stay awake for shyt - so every 15 minutes or so (typically when the nurses come to f%^& with me) I realize that time is passing. At 11:15, my nurse gets on the phone, and (in a somewhat hostile voice) calls my Dr, and asks him if I can go - I'm awake now, 'cause she seems a lil peeved. She gets the run around for another 15, then the Dr calls & gives her the ok to release me. They wheel me over to PACU (patient after-care unit), finally give me something to drink, call the babydaddy to come bring my clothes, I get dressed and am outta there at 12noon. Not bad.

the aftermath:: the world is BRIGHT. On the ride home, we stopped at CVS for ginger ale & advil, then Publix for more ginger ale. I was in the car for maybe 45-60 minutes, and I swear I thought I was gonna die - sitting in the HOT, BRIGHT SUN (it was only like 65 degrees) and I had on all black - I knew I was gonna die. We went home, I immediately took off my shirt (in front of the babydaddy - I was not caring by then), and passed out on the couch for like 2 hours. I think Chaos brought me a tank top - worried about my semi-naked state in front of my ex - the babydaddy. I'm bleeding, but not super-heavily like I was before the surgery. Stomach's cramping, but the Advil's taking care of it. I'm just out of it - so I drift in & out of consciousness between 12:30 and about 5ish. By then, I'm still a lil goofy, but I can stay awake for more than 30 minutes - so I eat some soup. By the time American Idol came on - I felt ok.

Today - my throat hurts...not to be trife, but if you've ever given head to a guy with a porno-dyck (Kay's word) then you know EXACTLY what my throat feels like. I'd feel better about the sore throat if I'd actually EARNED it. The nurse said they inserted a tube in my throat while I was out - thanks for telling me THAT beforehand. I'm drinking some chamomile tea. If it doesn't feel better by tomorrow - I'll go back to the Dr.

been a long time

note: to really understand where my head is at, you need to have "Maybe God Is Tryin' To Tell You Somethin'" from the Color Purple Soundtrack, 'cause that is seriously running through my head right now

To break this down, I'm gonna have to give you two recaps: a short-term (last 3 weeks) and long-term (time since I last blogged). Read what you will, get what you want out of it. I'm too bruised & tired to give a flying f%^*.

s-t recap:: I was diagnosed with Fibroids on 3/10/03, scheduled to have surgery 4/1/03 and be off from work for about a week. 24 hours later, I came down with a serious throat infection. By Wednesday 4/12/03, I had a temperature of 102° and couldn't eat. By Thursday 3/13/03 I was unable to swallow my own saliva because my throat had closed. Went to the Dr, who prescribed antibiotics, and proceeded to tell me to take off the next 5-7 days to get some rest WTF?! No way I could do that, I was already in the shythouse at work (see L-T recap::work below). So even though I had my dr's note, me being Superwoman, I still planned on going in on Monday. Woke up today, felt like some fresh air, went to take the garbage out, hit the stairs - and literally hit the stairs. Knees first, then arms, elbows & face. Felt like a roundhouse kick, knees went out from underneath me. I'm ok, a little bruised. A little battered. More than a little frail. More than a little bit alone. I need help.

l-t recap::so many topics, so little time
work:: so, the fake promo see prev blog for details still sucked, no xtra $$, just xtra work, and no one's feeling me. went to company boot camp for 3 weeks, very cool, but maybe my upper level mgrs. aren't feeling me either. It seems my school schedule is too intense for them, for they've cautioned me 2X to "watch the number of classes I'm carrying to make sure it doesn't interfere with my workload..." nice, as if it ever has before. Hell, I busted my a$$ through weekends, holidays, vacations...WTF?! Then on top of everything, they take more resources away, workload doesn't decrease, give me more responsibilities. Then I find out about the surgery. Their response? "How will this affect your deliverables?" WTF???!!!!....well, I wouldn't want my LIFE to interfere with getting my f&*%ing deliverables in on time, would I??????

school:: same ole, same ole...burning the candle at both ends, and in the middle - trying to manage classes, work and home without sacrificing any of the above. blah..blah...blah...I'm tired of even whining about this.

home:: love the kids, love my new crib. Chaos, doing ok - but still struggling with the transition from high-school to college & real-life. Bottom-line: she needs to be less self-involved, grow-up, get a gig and move out. Here's why: her biggest issues seem to be grades and dealing with her rigorous schedule. WTF? Your classes start at 9-ish, and end at 1-ish, you have the rest of the day to f^&* around, and do whatever, and you're still struggling & dropping classes? Ok, yes she watches her brother from 6:30 ish until I get home. STILL. I wish we could trade places sometimes, so she could get an idea of what THE REST OF ADULTHOOD REALLY IS. 'Nuff Said.

baby-daddy:: we got into a ghetto, in the street, name-calling argument. Why? 'Cause I restricted his access to my PC. Let me frame this for you. Baby-daddy lives with sis, her 4 kids, their mom, a cousin, her daughter, etc...you get the idea. He watches our son at my house. Over time, his demands for things to have onhand while watching our son become increasingly unreasonable: videos, food, games, alcohol, weed, porn..etc. Ok, so I find him downloading porn on my PC & ask him to stop, he agrees. So my daughter, the Chaos finds pornsites on the PC again (she's an über-geek, what can I say..) I change the password to prevent his access, he pitches a fit, says I'm impeding his FREEDOM, I'm like what freedom - it's my PC, I call him an a$$hole, he calls me a bitch, I call his mama a bitch - you get the idea. So. I called him Tuesday to tell him about the fibroids - he tells me he's playing spades, and that he'll call me back. I'm still waiting. What an a$$hole.

love:: what does this have to do with anything? da hell if I know. However, JC and I have been working toward something. He's working toward cohabitation, I'm working toward marriage. Will the twain ever meet? Hard to tell since we haven't spent more than 30 minutes together in the last 4 months. I can't front on him completely - when my car died he helped me get it fixed. But to be completely honest, his $$$ are f^&%ed up, and I can't bail him out of that. I dunno what's gonna happen...but at the rate we're going - it'll be an minor implosion (not a big bang - have to be near each other for that to happen). He hasn't called me since I told him about the surgery - do I need more of a sign?

the bottom line:: G'd is trying to tell me something, right? slow down, hunh? stop? you're giving too much of yourself away, without keeping a little for yourself?

I dunno, but I'm damn tired, sore, bruised and dizzy.